Tigers game July 2010

Monday, November 16, 2009

Pure Inspiration

Sometime earlier this year, I read the book, The Soloist. Since my reading it, it has been made into a movie and gotten quite good reviews. As of right now, I have not seen it but desperately want to.

Anyway, the book is the true life story of the relationship between Steve Lopez, LA Times columnist and Nathaniel Anthony Ayers, a schizphrenic homeless man in LA. Steve happens upon Nathaniel playing his 2 stringed cello in the presence of a statue of Beethoven in LA. It is a book of tears, joy, music and friendship.

This weekend, I was in San Diego for the national music therapy conference. During the opening session, we were surprised with a performance by Nathaniel, along with one of our fabulous colleagues, Al Bumanis. I have never in my life heard such beauty and joy in music, improvised music. Nathaniel played the cello and the trumpet and it was over far too soon. I was so disappointed to not have my camera with me and I knew I was too far away to use my phone camera. So, I was content to sit and listen and wipe away my tears. I could not get over the timing of this man appearing within a week or two of my poignant discussion on homelessness with the prisoners at work.

On Friday morning, I went to a roundtable to discuss the Nathaniel Anthony Ayers Foundation. Steve, Nathaniel's sister Jennifer and Ted, the Executive Director of the foundation were on the panel. What an amazing group of people and words could not describe how I felt when listening to the work they are doing with artistically gifted mentally ill clients. Toward the end, Nathaniel came and played for us again. Many people left when the session was over but several of us were so drawn to this man and his gift that we had to stay to listen to his music. Christine Stevens, a renowned and gifted MT, began improvising with him on the piano. Over the course of the next 30 minutes, Nathaniel played the piano, cello and trumpet, once again improvising as only he knows how to do. I could not believe the beauty of his music and the expressions on his face as he did what he loved so much. When it seemed our time had to end, Nathaniel stood up and said "This is what I was born for. These few notes." WOW! Later on in the day, I had a chance to talk to Jennifer and thank her for coming to share their story with us. She kept saying over and over that she was so grateful to have this opportunity to see her brother "happy and having a great time". I can only imagine.

I feel that words will never come close to describing what I witnessed in this man but I had to process it somehow. To share this with my good friend, Shannon, only made it more memorable. I think it took me these last few days to get around to blogging about it because I just wanted to keep it to myself on some level. Just to reflect and remember the man who has somehow, in some small way, changed my life.

As Shannon and I sat out in the sunshine talking about what we had witnessed, I described it as pure joy and beauty. She said it was pure inspiration. I think we're both right.

It should be mentioned that the Nathaniel Anthony Ayers Foundation is doing amazing work, helping the artistically gifted mentally ill and trying desperately to stamp out the stigma of mental illness. They have a website and I encourage anyone and everyone to check it out and support this amazing group of people. I know I have and will continue to do so.

Friday, November 13, 2009

The sun above the clouds

Isn’t it amazing that on cloudy, dreary, rainy days, we forget that the sun is still there? I don't know if we so much forget or we just don't think about it. I remember in Hilton Head when we went down to watch the sun come up we were so excited to see it. We kinda did the whole "Look, here it comes..isn't it amazing and beautiful?" Really, why the surprise? Doesn't the sun always come up? Well, on the cloudy days we can't always see it and I suppose we can "question" if it's still there.

When I took off in the plane yesterday morning, it was still dark. We took off and all of a sudden, there was the sun, above the clouds. It was shining through my window, bright and warm. It struck me as ironic and super cool and got me thinking about a few things. I realized it's a perfect analogy for our relationship with God and His SON, Jesus. We can't always see Him and so, sometimes I think we "forget" He's there. We can get to thinking that because we can't "see" Him, He must not be there. That’s never the case. He never leaves us. I know that for me personally, I can get into a rut and when things are going well and everything is taken care of and on an even keel, I tend to think about Him or communicate with Him less. The irony is that sometimes it takes our storms and clouds to search and call out to Him.
Shouldn’t we be constantly searching for Him and His will for our lives? Of course we should.

I keep singing my song of the month over and over again. I’m calling it that because currently, it’s one I can’t get enough of. It’s a gospel song by Israel Houghton called “Just Gotta Say”. It starts with my new favorite thought….”Never have I seen the righteous forsaken!” I AM NOT FORSAKEN!!!! It goes on to say that He will never leave us lonely.

Sometimes, in my singleness, I forget that I am not alone. Is my life what I thought or planned it would be? Absolutely not. But, it’s what He planned it would be. And truly, doesn’t God know much better than I?

Friday, November 6, 2009

From the mouths of prisoners...

So, one of the groups I run at work is Lyric Discussion. Quite honestly, it's my most favorite group. When they talk, of course. So, I guess sometimes it depends on the make up of the crew. But, I love listening to their points of view and justification and experiences and just whatever comes out of their mouths.

Yesterday was a stellar day. I had 2 fabulous groups of lyrics and I was really excited about it. Just wanted to express 2 of the things that got me thinking. Well really, only one got me thinking, the other one got me laughing.

When I was at Maxey doing a lyric group, we got on the topic of drug dealing. I will never forget the day that dear, precious DeAndre said "Ms. Scott, I'm a drug dealer with morals. I would never sell to kids under the age of 16." I about fell off my chair. A drug dealer with morals? Really. Well, today, I heard it again. Two of the fellas were giving me their definitions for drug dealing being "work" or a job. I conceded to it being work but had to argue on the job front. And, the younger of the two said "I don't sell to anyone under 16. You have to have a line somewhere." I couldn't believe it. Twice in my career have I heard this. When the elder statesmen of the group asked him if asked to see their ID, I had to laugh out loud. Of course, this same young guy is the one who says that his kids need a role model, like Ice-T and later on says that you have to pray with your kids and give them some stability and foundation. Wow. Sometimes it's hard for me to wrap my head around the opinions and ideas that they have floating around in theirs. Which, leads me to my next story. The poignant one for the day, the one that really got me thinking.

Same group, different guys, different lyrics. We got on the topic of homelessness. Of course, some of them have been homeless and lived on the streets. This young kid says that he was "chasing that dope" and all he wanted was $20 to stay high. Said it was so bad he was using water from a mud puddle to put in his needle. Wow. But, we were sharing how homeless, or panhandlers get treated. He shared some of the things he saw and did when begging for money and then he asked if he could ask me how I reacted to people who beg. I told him that I've done several things, including giving someone $20 but mostly, I ignore them. He looked at me, can't think of a word to describe his face (maybe hurt) and he said, "I'd rather have someone tell me no than ignore me." Stopped me in my tracks. Of course, I knew immediately what he meant but I wanted him to share it with the group so I asked. His answer? "If you ignore me, it's like I don't exist. I'm nothing. If you tell me no, or sorry, at least you've acknowledged that you hear me and I'm a person."

I thanked this young man for sharing that and I told him that I was going to consider his words from here on out. Even if it's just how I handle the young kid at Meijer selling candy bars and I wonder to myself, "really, a school trip, how do I know you're not conning me?" I think now, I will take a minute to smile at them and acknoledge them, regardless of what I give or don't give.

Just for those of you who may wonder...lyrics used today were "Dear Mama" by Tupac and "What It's Like" by Everlast.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Treadmill vs. Trail

So, tonight I had made up my mind to take a walk on the trail across the street from my house. Here's a few of the thoughts I had while on that walk....

Treadmill: Air conditioning and a tv in front of me (Cash Cab being my favorite thing to watch) Pretty much staying at the same speed (not too fast I might add) and a 0 incline. (Probably could do more but hey, who's checking?)I also get really bored, despite the tv, while walking on the treadmill and it's very hard for me to stay on after I've done "my mile". Wow, this seems like it's so much harder on my feet and legs after walking on the beach for a week. Never really noticed that before.

Trail: Muggy and buggy. Hmmm, not sure I'm liking this. In an effort to "unplug" and spend more time with God, I didn't even bring my i-pod. What's that? Hmmm, not sure I ever heard that bird before. Oh wait, there's crickets. Fish jumping too. I'm so sweaty, is this really better than the treadmill? Huh, speed and incline vary on their own just by going up and down hills. This is so much easier on my feet and legs. I love this trail. I am loving the sounds. Funny how I miss that with headphones in my ears. So, I'm trying to listen and talk to God. Well, I don't have a problem with the talking it's the listening. At one point, I think I even said "You know God, I will really think everything is great and will be reminded of your greatness if I could see some deer." Then I changed to "wouldn't it be cool to see some deer?" As I was walking along, another person walked from the other direction and he scared a deer and I saw the white tail as he ran away. Ok, cool. So I continued on, taking some pictures of the trees and the river. Then I finally saw them. There were 2 deer hanging out in the woods eating. They even let me get about 25-30 yards from them and I could see them chewing and even saw a tongue. I stood there and just watched them for about 10 minutes. I didn't even mind the buzzing mosquito in my ear at this point. Thank you, God. I think that deer are the most beautiful creatures with the absolute sweetest faces. I got to see them up close tonight. I love that.
Look at that, I've been walking for an hour tonight! Why does that seem like nothing out here and yet in the gym, it's torture??!!!

So, I guess it's plain to see that despite the bugs in my nose and mouth and the muggy sweat dripping down the back of my neck, the treadmill could never beat the beautiful experience of walking on a trail amongst God's amazing creation.

Passing the nice, handsome man running the trail in the opposite direction three times? Just an added bonus!

Monday, September 14, 2009

The power of the ocean

There is something so powerful and yet so soothing about the sound of the ocean waves. As I sit on my parent's condo balcony in Hilton Head, I can see and hear the ocean. It makes me feel so utterly small and insignificant. Like the fact that no matter what is happening in my life, in the world, the ocean tides are constant. God is constant and in control. Life goes on and the earth continues to spin. With my help or without it, with my participation or without it, God's plan will will be done. As Mordecai said to Esther, "God will save His people and accomplish His purposes with or without you. You may have been brought to this place for such a time as this!"

So, I will do some contemplating and reflecting this week, or at least try. I will also spend some time with my friends enjoying the company and the atmosphere. And, of course, loving the sunshine!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

One last why

As I read through some of my previous blog entries, I see that I never really ended or updated the Dave story. It starts with yet another why. Why can't I have feelings for such a wonderful guy? Why is there no spark? I mean, seriously, he's extremely thoughtful and observant and kind. Who wouldn't want that kind of man in their life? I guess the answer to the why is that God is in control. He has a plan and for right now, for whatever reason, Dave is not the guy for me. I really wanted him to be. So, I will continue to trust and pray and seek God's face and His plan, not mine. Oh yea, and I should probably spend some quiet time with him but we all know how good I am at that one! Now is as good a time as any to focus on that. What better place than the beach?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

WHY'S

So, what about this word question why...There are so many why's in our lives and I feel like this week, I have far too many to try to answer.

1) WHY am I trying to lose weight? I had a great time in Chicago and I think I really actually lost weight while I was there. But, what do I do? Sabotage on the train ride home and eat entire bags of snacks I took with me. So, result? Up on the scale last night when I really think I should have been down. WHY do I sabotage myself? Our coaches last night told us that we should re-visit our "Why am I here?" assignment. What brought us to Weight Loss Challenge. I didn't give it a lot of thought this time around, thinking I had things under control and things to look forward to. But now that's all changed. I am back to sabotaging and I'm not sure why I want to lose weight. Sure, I want to be healthy, walk up a flight of stairs and not be out of breath and buy all new clothes. But, what is at my core being for my wanting to lose weight? That I will have to think about and ponder. WHY?

2) WHY did Sandra have to lose her life in such a tragic way? Not only tragic but completely unnecessary. I keep telling myself that this is all part of God's plan. In fact, I was thinking last night that since the second Sandra was born, God knew this would be her time and way of death. There was some comfort in that on some deep, kind of odd level. But you know what? It doesn't help ease the pain of losing my friend. And it doesn't make me hate the man who did this to her any less. How will her daughter get through this? Sandra has dedicated her life to her girl and I can't imagine the pain she must be feeling. All I can do is pray for her. For all of us who will feel this loss. I will end my thoughts on Sandra with my favorite quote of hers...."If you feel froggy, leap!" Just love that one.

3) WHY do I have such intense feelings for a man who doesn't feel the same way? Why can't this relationship be something more? Wait, I don't want that one answered because I know this guy is not my Mr. Right. He is not the one for me. But, I have never felt such intense feelings for someone and I have never had someone make me feel the way he does. I miss him so much. I miss his friendship, our talks and of course, our hugs. This man is a beautiful person and I could never put into words the feelings I have for him. Right now, I am going to just pray for his family and his drama and that someday, he'll be able to enjoy life without all the extra crap that goes with it.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Clarification

See, the thing about Maxey is that we were together for 14 years. We saw some crazy stuff and we went through A LOT OF STUFF together over those years. We may not have always agreed with each other, we may not have always even liked each other, but we always watched out for each other. We were quite a diverse group of people and there were a lot of Christians. That makes any environment easier to handle. Especially one like Maxey. I still remember when I was struggling with something (can't remember what) and good old Ms. Tutt pulled my butt in the bathroom with Ms. Perryman and we prayed right then and there. Now that is something that would never happen in the prison. Not only because it can't but because there aren't a lot of those kind of people.

I talked to Rose this morning and I said "you have no idea what I would do for a Tommie Chaney hug right now". And as I said that to Dorothy today, I realized that's what it comes down to, doesn't it? That's what I miss. The people that love me for me and who aren't afraid to show it. People who love the Lord and other people and who are trying to make a difference.

So, I will sit here and remember my friends with a giant smile on my face. Yesterday my cheeks hurt from all the laughing we did. That is what I will remember and cherish and carry with me. At least until the picnic in 2 weeks when I will add more memories and laughs. Duane would have wanted it that way!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Funeral thoughts

So, today was a funeral for a good buddy of mine from Maxey. Duane was one of those guys who never met a stranger and was always doing for others. His passion was cooking. Or grilling to be exact. Great guy. I have a fabulous picture of him behind the grill of chicken and corn at one of our field days. Priceless.

My wonderings are of funerals for people who are not believers, or who I don't know if they are or aren't. I have no idea what Duane's faith consisted of, if anything. I do think that his sister was a Christian based on some of the things she posted on his hospital webpage. And, I would never assume to know anyone's heart. That is all up to God. In fact, I've met quite a few fellow believers who I would never have guessed had an ounce of faith based on things I see them say and do. But, I have only been to one funeral in my life for someone who had no faith. It was a long time ago and I don't remember much. What I do remember is the hopelessness. His adult daughters and wife were throwing themselves on the casket just wailing and sobbing. Horrible. I wonder what it's like to feel that. The flipside to that is that I'm glad I don't know what that's like. But, what about all the things people say to get through? "He's in a better place. He's not in pain anymore. He's with God now. We'll see him again someday." What if the deceased don't believe? Then none of that is true. Is it fair to say those things just to make people feel better? Oh, my head just aches trying to wrap my head around it. I can remember Pastor Alberta's sermon at Dwain Park's funeral. WOW! What guts. He was all about making people understand. I guess he use to say that he felt like it was a captive audience and for some, the only time they would ever set foot in church. Probably accurate.

So, tonight I will continue to pray for Duane's family. For comfort and maybe even coming to know Christ if they don't already. And, maybe (selfishly) most importantly, I wil praise God that I don't have those questions for myself or my family.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Be

So, last night, as I lay in bed, overanalyzing the weekend some more, I really tried to pray. I kept singing Peder's song over and over and over...out loud even, as I lay in bed trying to sleep. Look at these words. They're so powerful for me right now.....

Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still and know.
Be still.
Be.

There's a hook that's perfect too but this was what I felt God was saying last night. "Just give it to me". I also heard the word "restoration". Could it be? Could it be that with all my past and all my junk that God could maybe have someone like Dave be my future and through that restore me? I know that God doesn't just repair, but restore, us. I've never quite comprehended that. As I lay in bed telling God how ironic our two pasts are, His answer was "restoration". For now, I'll give it to God, and just BE!

One more thing

One more thing that Heather pointed out last night. Although she doesn't experience it, she said she knows people who are single sometimes start to miss their alone time. Huh? Do I do that? Ummmm, yea! Last summer in Saugatuck and Oscoda with my girlfriends, I was really, really wanting to come home. There were lots of other reasons involved but most of it was I wanted some down time. Time by myself. Who woulda thunk? I use to hate to be by myself. So, subconsciously, maybe there was some of those feelings this weekend too. It's been a long time since I've been in a "relationship" and maybe that's some of the uncomfort as well. I remember last summer thinking maybe I just didn't like people anymore and I was becoming a hermit. Definitely don't think that's true. But, maybe I'm finally comfortable enough in my own skin, and my own house, that I wanted a little break. Maybe....

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Home from Oshkosh and overanalyzing

So, I am now home safe and sound from meeting Dave for the weekend. It was great fun. I got there a lot later than we thought, Chicago and construction being the culprit. But, 9 hours later, I was there. We had chili that he had made for dinner and it was delicious. He gave me the grand tour of the house, really nicely decorated for being a bachelor pad and then we watched "Hero! The Musical". Loved it. But, I was soooo tired. So, Saturday morning, we took our time and got ready and had breakfast at I-Hop. Yum! Haven't been there since I was a kid. His treat. And, we're off. Lifest is super cool and really amazing. We walked thru all the carnival food, luckily full from breakfast and went to the Marketplace to shop. We took in some of the talent show and then took our purchases to the car. We went to hear Peder that afternoon and unfortunately, didn't get to talk to him. He was in a rush so I got a quick hug and that was it. Bummer. But, as always, Peder did a wonderful praise and worship, larengitis and all. We met Mary Ann and chatted for a little bit and then we headed to the car to get our chairs for Third Day. We also saw Mark Schultz, Tim Hawkins, Hawk Nelson and Stellar Kart. Lakita Garth was the keynote speaker and she was really cool and amazing. Then, it was Third Day. LOVED IT!!!! I finally got to hear "Thief" live. Last time I saw them, they didn't do it.

Anyway, weekend wrapped up with church this morning, a drive through town and then me hitting the road home. And, instantaly regretting it. Why didn't I stay? What am I feeling? What am I afraid of? Hmmmm, let's see....totally comfortable with this man. Always talking and laughing. He even played the guitar and sang one of his songs for me. So, why am I home tonight? CHICKEN! I didn't have a reason why and I kept thinking about it. But, I'm analyzing now. Here's why. (Thank you, heather) I am afraid of getting too close, too fast. Emotionally. This is unlike ANY of my past relationships, making it uncharted territory. And, uncomfortable. So, throw in a little sabotage, and you have the makings of a poor decision. Coming home.

As my dad says....let it ride. So, that's what I'm doing. Praying, continuing to talk to Dave and having him come here in August. Which, I can't wait for. Just gonna see what happens and let it be.

Did I mention that Dave wrote a poem for me after I left today? No, I didn't. But, he did. It was exceptionally sweet and I love it. Reminds me of Mary and Scott and the song Scott wrote for Mary. Maybe this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Wait, not maybe...it is. Just what kind of relationship develops is in God's hands. For now, I'm letting it ride....

Some more GL hindsight

I really meant to write this the other night before I went to Oshkosh but never did it. Here are 2 more things that run through my head in hindsight about Dave and Green Lake.
1) At some point during praise and worship, I remember thinking to myself that the person behind me had a really nice voice. Maybe I should say something. I didn't. Who was it? Dave!

2) Peder did the usual, turn to the left and right and rub the shoulders of the person in front of you. In seconds, Brad turned to me and said "you're hired". I know, I know...I get that all the time. I'm really good at back rubs. Why didn't I stand between them so Dave would know that too?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Gym rat

Who knew it was possible?
I have pretty much given up on the weight watchers thing and I joined a weight loss challenge in May sometime. I have been doing fairly well and I really like the ladies, my coach and the premise. In fact, we're done on the 21st but I am going to join the next session which starts on the 28. I was going to head back to WW but this is cheaper and for now, it's working. Ultimately, I will go back to WW.

The big news is I am really loving being at the gym. The funny thing is I'm not doing FitBall or Zumba anymore. I am doing a Medicine Ball class and the trainer is kicking my booty!!! But, I love it. I wish it was more often. He really pushes me. And, I'm having a desire to run some when I am walking. Who knew that was even possible? I have lost 4 inches off my hips of which I am most proud. There are lots of inches other places but that is the one I notice the most. I can't wait to see where I'm at on the 21st. Yea, baby, I'm finally doing it and I'm loving the gym. Who knew!!!!

I can't wait/I'm so nervous

Well, I was a little surprised that I had actually written about Green Lake already. That's good. It was actually nice to read it and remind myself of some of that feeling. Where does that go when we come back to the real world?

Ok, so some of you already know this because I asked you to pray about it. But, here we go. At Green Lake, the first day, I noticed and introduced myself to a guy named Brad. We hit it off immediately and I really enjoyed hanging around and flirting with him. Somewhere along the line, very quickly I think, another guy, Dave, was hanging with us and I was having the time of my life. Dave is kind of a quiet guy and I remember at one meal telling him that he looked just like Dorothy's husband. I laughed when he took his glasses off and said "here, does this help?". It didn't. He really reminds me of Dort's hubby Brad. Anyway, I kept paying attention to Brad and always wondering where he was. Saturday night was especially moving in Peder's session and I wasn't really feeling like going to the Bunco party but I didn't know what else we might do. Brad or Dave said they were going for a walk and asked me if I wanted to go to. So, about 7 or 8 of us went down to the Point, my favorite place. When we got out there, there were 2 ducks and we scared them away. I was enjoying just looking out at the lake and the cross on the tower, lit up in the dark. The ducks had wandered around to the other side of the point and I went over to find them. Dave followed me. We ended up talking a lot and he said he played guitar and sang and use to be in a rock band. Wow, that's kinda cool. Did I tell you at some point, I climbed the tree? The tree that hangs out over the water, in the very dark night!!!??? Anyway, getting out on the tree was easy. Then I realized I wasn't sure how I was going to get back out of the tree. I can admit, in hindsight, I was doing it for attention. I was trying to get Brad's attention but he was talking to someone else. Who offered me their hand to help me out of the tree? Dave. How sweet. Anyway, we continued to talk and hang out and then we went and raided the snacks from the Bunco party. Fun.

Sunday morning, there were 3 older ladies I had hung out with and Mary came up to me with something urgent to share. The conversation went something like this. "We think you should like Dave". "Really? Brad's pretty cute." "Yea, Brad's 30." "He is? How old is Dave?" "36". "Hmmmm, really?" and off we went. I honestly don't remember any conversation after that. What I do remember is that Brad and I were suppose to ride bikes and it didn't work out, which led me and Brad AND Dave (and Russ) to drive to the country store and that was a blast. On the boat ride, which by the way, I tried but couldn't convince Dave to join us on, I sat with some of the ladies and had a blast. Didn't really talk to Brad on the boat. When we went to the bonfire, I sat next to Dave. In fact, I think I walked out there with Dave and Brad. Anyway, the bonfire started out in a very disappointing way and eventually, Dave left. Sweet thing? He apologized to me for leaving. So, now it's Monday morning and it's time to leave. I didn't want to attend the last session but it ended up being unavoidable (over breakfast) and afterward, we all started to say good bye. I had someone take a picture of Brad and Dave and I before we took off.

Fast forward through the rest....get home and Dave emailed me on Tuesday to make sure I had been safe on the drive home and to tell me how it was nice to meet me. I emailed him back and since then, we've emailed everyday, usually several times a day. Brad? Yea, fell of the face of the earth for awhile. Eventually Dave and I started talking on the phone. For HOURS at a time. Love it. Best part? He makes me laugh. Most of you know how important that is to me and why. So, somewhere along the line, we started talking about meeting in Chicago. Not really specifically and then all of a sudden, he asked me when I was thinking about. Huh, hadn't really thought about that. So, then he invited me to Life Fest, a huge Christian event in Oshkosh, WI where he lives. Told him I couldn't go. Bummer. Then, I really started regretting saying no. So, I did some more figuring (days off, money, what not) and realized I could go. So, I said yes. And, I'm driving to Wisconsin on Friday to see Dave and go to Life Fest. We're gonna see Peder again which I can't wait for and Third Day. Yay! But, what does all of this mean? Are we just really good friends? Does he like me? Do I like him? Where is this headed? I don't know any of those answers yet. Part of the reason this weekend is so important. And, if I'm truly honest, I do think I know some of those answers. But, I'm leaving it up to God. Where else should it be, right? So, if you're a praying person, please lift it up this weekend. I know we are going to have a ball but I'm so excited and now I'm starting to get a little nervous. I really enjoy the conversation of this man and I can't wait to spend some time with him.

It has been very interesting to look back at Green Lake and see things from the perspective of Dave being there all along. I was just not looking in the right place. At least, in the beginning. Now I think I am.

Wonders never cease

So, my BFF was telling me tonight that it's been way too long since I've posted and would I blog already!!!???? I was shocked that it's only been a little over a month. Who knew? Anyway, a lot has happened and I will attempt to do it in different posts by subject.

Tonights subject would be my family. Or specifically, my parents. Before I say anything, I must say that my family is almost perfect and I love them with all my heart. I do know that it's practically eutopia and when I get to venting to some of my friends, I do realize that it's ridiculous. But, it's my feelings and they are real. So, short story, since at the moment, I'm in a good mood and not currently raving at them....

Father's Day: Many plan changes, I made it to parents house at the time I was told only to have them all show up an hour and half later. With my the mother of my sister in law. She is not the easiest person to be around and she definitely puts a damper on things. Suffice to say, after 50 minutes of barely seeing my dad, I was on my way home. Prayed and prayed for God to take away the hurt and anger but I was fuming. Talked to mom later that night and after a very gut wrenching conversation, hung up the phone and BAWLED for 20 minutes. Have not cried that long in I can't remember how long. Ultimately it felt good but it sucked. Bottom line, I don't have kids, my brother does, my parents are FANTASTIC grandparents and I feel like I get shafted.

Tonight, I tried to make plans with my mom. I feel like I see my dad sometimes and I was missing my mom, she's going to Atlanta tomorrow, I'm going to Wisconsin on Friday and I thought it would be fun to have dinner. I had to head that way to get my eyebrows done anyway. Call to find out plan...yea, she's going to pick up my niece and we'll meet at the mall in Westland! What???!!!! I can't make it by then. How did we get to this plan???? Called her when I was done, met them (niece, brother and mom) at Olga's and had dinner. Craig and Breanna took off and my mom and I talked outside. She asked me if I was just "that mad" that she changed the plan or whatever. Well yea! I told her that I thought this was just us. That I had actually made an effort since I never see her anymore....she's leaving, I'm leaving, blah, blah, blah....She actually said Sorry! And, she had tears in her eyes. I think tonight, for the first time, she might actually see how much I miss having time with her and my dad, just US!!! Not the grandkids, not my brother, just US!!! So, there you have it. Circle the day. My mom apologized to me. And bigger yet, I think she may have heard me. Will things change? Probably not. Or maybe for awhile. But, I'll take the apology and I told her how much I appreciate it. I really do love my mom. She just irritates the poop out of me sometimes.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

God is good, all the time!

So, I am home from a weekend at Green Lake. I will never be able to put it into words because unless you've been there, you wouldn't understand.

The theme of the weekend was "As Is". God uses us as is. Love it. Our speaker was Peter Eide. If you don't know who he is, look him up. He's got a website and his music is phenominal. What a teacher and inspiration.

My goal was to "shut up and off" and listen. One of the songs we sang? "Be". As in, be still and know that I am God. Ok, ok, I get it. So, I did my best and I am quite proud of myself. God revealed himself to me in many, many ways this weekend and I am grateful for that.

One of the things we did was put our fears and hopes in our hands and lift them to God. Not easy for me. I say all the time that I know what my fears are but I realized that I really don't. Am I afraid of being alone for the rest of my life? YES! But, am I more ok with being single than I give myself credit for? I don't know. Am I afraid of losing weight for some reason? Probably, but why? I gave it all to God. Over and over and over and over....

God, I pray that you will continue to use me. I pray that I will remember that you delight in me and that I bring you joy and pleasure. Remind me to keep "pouring". And God, I really, really want to be married. I miss being kissed. I'd really love it if you could bring someone into my life soon. Thanks.

Green Lake had so many memories for me that I wasn't sure I'd ever stop crying or talking about all the things I remember. God has created the entire universe, I know. But, I think that Green Lake was probably one of his best works of art. It is holy ground. I am so grateful to my family to taking us there for 14 years and being able to chaperone youth trips twice. This weekend is now added to the millions of memories and I am sooooo grateful.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Home sweet home....

So, I am home after an uneventful family vacation to Hilton Head Island. Who knew it could be uneventful??? Not me. Last time, I was driven crazy by my sister in law, who I love dearly but sometimes she gets to me in our differences. And, my mom was there this year. And, there were no big blow ups and only one venting call to my BFF, Dort. Wow, it's a miracle.

It was great fun but now I want to go back as soon as possible without kids. I love my brother's kids, they are probably some of the best behaved children you could ever meet. But, it's funny how when there are 8 people, 3 of which are kids, you as the single voice, don't always get your way. Hmmmm, shocker. But, I got to take them on a dolphin tour with my favorite company and it was great. Maybe I'll get my way if we go back in September for a girls trip.

Best news of all, I didn't gain any weight. Yippee!!! And, when we got home, I joined Weight Watchers online. I've been doing pretty well with the tracking and staying within my points. Hopefully, it will work. Probably would help if I hadn't avoided the gym tonight. But, I will go tomorrow and Thursday for sure.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I did it

So, I made it to the gym yesterday. At about 2:00 I wasn't sure I was going to. Had a relatively big lunch with co-workers and my "naptime" hit. All I wanted to do was go home and take a nap. But, as Dorothy reminded me...if you go home and take a nap you will get fat! Yep, it's true. So, I made it to the gym. And, I did my 2 miles. AND, I actually ran for 4 minutes. It was one minute increments a couple of times throughout my time, but I did it. I've never been able to do that. Maybe I should clarify run. That would be a very slow jog. But, the heart rate was up and I was proud of myself when I finished. Hopefully while on vacation next week, I'll be motivated to walk on the beach. Great exercise!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Old friends

So, this weekend was a family filled weekend. My oldest niece got re-baptized. Praise God. She decided that when she made her first decision she was a child and wasn't sure what exactly it meant. After attending the youth event, Acquire the Fire, she asked Jesus into her heart. YAY!!!!! So, I spent a lot of quality time with the fam this weekend.

While at my folks house, I decided on a whim to look up an old co-worker's phone number. This dear friend lives about a mile from my parents. I never in a million years thought he'd be listed. He was one of those old timers at Maxey and I truly thought he'd have an unlisted phone number. Paranoia and all. To my surprise there was a number. I called it Sunday afternoon and left a message. Even more to my surprise....he called me back. We laughed and talked and reminisced about all the crazy things at Maxey. He was the resident practical joker. It was so good to have that personality back in my life. The bonus? He's doing my taxes. Yahoo. This dear man is about my mom's age and at one point, when I first met him, he was so mean he made me cry. Over time, and of course my winning personality, we became best buds. He was my go to guy at work. When I moved in with Jeff, our friendship took a turn. Not only did he not approve morally but he thought I was settling and Jeff was not good enough for me. Hindsight obviously proves him right. We were still friends but not nearly as close as we had been. Then he retired. I missed him terribly. We haven't talked in years. Now, it's all good.

On top of this re-connection, I had a mystery text this weekend. I thought my co-worker had changed her phone number so I stored it under her name. When I got to work on Monday and asked her about it, it wasn't her. I emailed the only other person I thought it could be (based on area code) and it wasn't him either. When I got out of work, I sent a text asking who it was. To make a long story, it was another friend who I hadn't talked to in about 5 or 6 months. I won't share all the gory details but we had a bit of a falling out. I hurt and upset him (which I didn't know until last night) and he had decided it was time to bury the hatchet and stop being upset. So, we talked for about 30 minutes last night. I cannot tell you how good it was to hear the voice of this man. He has had a huge influence in my life, probably not always good, and I have truly missed my friend. He said the same thing last night. So, maybe we can be friends again. I guess we'll see what the future holds. All I know is, I was really glad to have a chance to talk to him last night. The irony of all of this is that my co-worker had said maybe my mystery texter was someone I didn't know and this was all fate and I'd meet him and he'd be the one. I of course laughed out loud at this. But, when I found out who it really was, the irony of her comment was a little painful. See, I have always loved this man despite the fact that there are many, many things I could never tolerate in a relationship. I have always wanted him to "see me" and realize what we have in this friendship and that it could be more. Now, I know that's not God's plan but I truly love this guy. For now, I'm glad he's back and we can have our long conversations about life and figuring out who we are.

Thank you, God, for bringing some sunshine into my life through my dear friends who I have lost touch with. I know that You know how much they mean to me.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Woo hoo

So, I made it 2 nights at the gym this week. Yahoo! And, my co-worker LeAnn came with me to FitBall tonight. I LOVE that class. I'm starting to love it more than Zumba. It's definitely a killer work out. That would be evidenced by LeAnn leaning over to me and saying "this sucks" in the first 20 minutes. But, she, I mean we, made it and it was fun. She did like it but it is ackward at first. That's a given. You know what else I discovered? When you watch the news on the while on the treadmill, sometimes you work longer. They had those teasers of "coming up next" and there was a story I wanted to see. It took a lot longer than "next" so I was on the treadmill yesterday for an hour. Wow. That's big for me. The story? The song by John Rich called Detroit Shutdown (or something like that). I loved it. I think it's great that he did this. I think the irony is that the people I work with who love country music will never understand the gravity of the situation. Detroit is like a foreign country to them. It drives me crazy sometimes.

Today was a good day at work today. Had a mobilization so lots of time to do nothing while they were locked down this morning. Then I ran my group which was all new guys today. I love that part of it. Especially when some of them actually talk. Which, they did today. Of course, I hook them with Marvin Gaye right out of the gate. I'm so smart. They loved it. And I love my group.

Only 2 more weeks and I will be in a van on the way to the beach. Yippee kiayo. How do you spell that? Anyway, I didn't get my weight lost by then but I think I'm still in better shape than I was. And, no I can focus on losing it by Memorial Weekend for the singles conference at Green Lake.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The bag is packed

So, my bag is packed so I can go to the gym after work. I have already been thinking, "oh maybe I won't go tonight. Maybe I'll just give it a whole week off". What is this? Maybe it's my slight case of winter blahs a little late. Does that even make sense? No. Then I think how much harder FitBall will be tomorrow if I don't go tonight. I love that class. It's a great workout and I think it's really fun. And, I missed last week. So, does it make sense to only go to the gym once this week? NO!!! I will go tonight. I will walk on the treadmill and I will do 2 miles like last week. I can do this. If I keep it up, I'll be more motivated to take walks on the beach in Hilton Head in a few weeks, right? Well, maybe.

I'm just a lazy person and I really don't like that. It's kind of hard to admit but maybe that's the first step in changing it. Maybe!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Silly Lily the kitty

So, I have a cat named Lily. She is really the funniest, cutest thing most of the time. She is a Maine Coon cat. The second one I've ever owned and there are definitely things native to the breed. Like, acting like a dog. My first Maine Coon would come to greet me at the door when I came home. Wait, Lily does that too. When Lily hears the garage door, she rolls on her back and stretches out for me to rub her belly the minute I walk in the door. If I don't, she runs in front of me wherever I go and throws herself there waiting for a belly rub. My favorite? When she goes flying down the basement stairs and waits at the bottom all stretched out saying "look at how cute I am". Although, Caleb would play fetch with a rope. Hmmmm, Lily loves her green ribbon. She doesn't always bring it back to me. In fact, when she doesn't want to play together, she usually gets it in her teeth and trots off with it. Hilarious. I've actually seen her play with it by herself, throwing it in the air and pouncing it.

Her newest trick? Begging/scratching at the door to go out. What? I let her out a few Sundays ago when it was nice. I sat on the porch and she timidly smelled around the door jam and porch. Eventually, she went towards the garage. I put her back on the porch and she headed straight for the grass. Brave little soul. Anyway, usually when I clap my hands and scoot her toward the door with my foot, she goes right in. Not this day, she wanted to stay out. It took a lot of coaxing to get her back inside. And then what does she do? Scratch at the door and meow at it. She even did a somersault to get on her back to scratch upwards. She has been meowing to go out almost every day since. This morning I decided to let her out with me to check temperature. She bolted right out the door. She's never done that. She went right onto the back patio. When I tried to get her to come in, she wasn't having it. I finally picked her up and I swear, she was fighting to get back down. When I finally got her in, she immediately went to pawing the door. The most hilarious part was I have a Christmas bell still hanging from the doorknob. (I know, I know...don't say it) So, as she was pawing the door, she hit the bell. I am sure it was unintentional but at the time, it sure didn't seem like it. Hilarious. Tonight, she was on her back paws, stretched up and it looked like she was reaching for the door handle. I swear, she is too smart for her own good.

There was a very slight chance I was going to take in a dog for a friend. I was really worried what it would do to Lily. Don't get me wrong, I am a dog girl and I miss having one. Not even really a cat person but I keep inheriting them somehow. Anyway, I have to say that I am kind of relieved that Zoey will not be interupting the fun Lily has with me. Or, wait? Is it the other way around? Regardless, she really makes me laugh and I am grateful to have that around. That's my silly Lily!

Is it really sabotage?

Is it really? Or am I just a lazy person? I know the answer to that. I am lazy. I had the whole evening to do some things. Vacuum, put clothes away, laundry, anything. What do I do? Watch tv and go tanning. Not exactly accomplishing much, am I? How do I fix it?

Yet again

So, tonight is Zumba and I'm not there. Why? Who knows. This morning's excuse was I wore my glasses and I would sweat too much to enjoy it with my glasses sliding down my nose. So, no packed gym bag. I am extremely tired and I know I will go tomorrow and Thursday. But, why not today? SABOTAGE!!!!! I am so frustrated with my weight and not losing. But seriously, where's the frustration coming from? I know what the deal is. I know, I know...look at the changes you have made. So, I am not eating 3 hours or more before bed. I am eating healthier for the most part. I bought a candy bar this evening but did not buy a second one when I was in the gas station. Believe me, it crossed my mind. Instead, I kept thinking about the trail mix I had at home that I could eat. And, guess what? I haven't even done that yet, instead I'm here writing. I guess that's progress and for that, I am proud.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Nursery opp

As I have been church "shopping" I have realized that I really miss working in the nursery at Cornerstone. I know that I will probably not have a nursery scene quite like that again but I would like to get a baby fix once in a while. Low and behold, today in the bulletin was a blurb about needing help one Sunday a month in the baby class. Yahoo! Is this God's way of settling my heart that this is where I am meant to be? I don't know for sure but I emailed my interest. Time will tell.

Today I am going to see a new musical called Boulder Faith, here in Tecumseh. It was written by one of the music directors from the Ann Arbor church, based on sermons by Pastor Paul. I am really looking forward to it.

I'm also beginning to realize that I will not be able to find some big Easter production to attend this year, due to being on vacation. I'm pretty bummed about that. Easter is actually my favorite holiday and I really enjoy the music and musicals and such. Looks like I'll have to entertain myself. Maybe I'll watch The Passion again before we get out of dodge. I mean, seriously, isn't Easter what it's all about?

Friday, March 6, 2009

Catch up

I really have to get better at doing this a little more often. Although, in the life of a single chick, there really isn't always that much to tell.

I went back to the Baptist church last Sunday to check out the traditional service. The pastor asked my name and remembered (although never meeting me in person, only email) that I live in Tecumseh. That's pretty impressive. I think I like the contemporary service better. I definitely love the diversity of the congregation. This week I have to ring bells at mom's church so I guess I won't get back there. There's also one more I think I want to try in A2. I would love to find a church that actually has a singles ministry but I think that may be asking too much at this point.

I have continued to work out at least 2 times a week and although I haven't lost any more weight, I am proud of myself for getting there. As I rummaged through some pictures last night, I found one I'm going to keep in my car to motivate me not to eat. I am a closet eater and I do the most damage when I'm out and about. So, maybe this will help. Little steps, I guess.

I was suppose to have a nice long day at home tomorrow, cleaning and hanging out in front of the tv. My brother said he'd try to come out with a ladder to change the battery in my smoke alarm since I can't reach it. But then, of course, I get a phone call last night at 9:30 asking can I pick up mom and dad Saturday night so they can go up north for the day. What? So, now you're not coming over at all and I have to do in to Detroit to get mom and dad so you can go up north? Nice! Of course I said yes, however, since I'm ringing bells in Plymouth Sunday morning and the folks land at 8:00 pm, this means, I'll be spending the night at their house. Not what I had planned. And to top it off, it wasn't even Craig who called, he made Teri do it. Whatever! I wonder what they would've done if, like a typical night, I was already in bed and didn't get the call. Would they have cancelled their trip cuz they don't know if I can get to the airport? What if I had plans? I guess they thought mom and dad were coming home tonight. Whatever.

I'm almost done with reading The Shack. I have to say it's interesting. I've found that I have to consciously slow down my reading or I miss it. Since it's a novel, I read it fast but I should take it in like a study book. It's funny how I've been asked by people if it's the first time I read it. That's not the typical book conversation.

Tonight, I'm going to Plymouth as well, for my friend Leanne's birthday. That should be fun. A late night but at least I can sleep in tomorrow. Maybe I'll even make it to the gym.

Think this gets you completely caught up for now.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Another new church

So, today I went to yet another church. Backstory: I have been attending First United Methodist Church of Saline fairly regularly since the beginning of the year. At Christmas time, I was certain this was where I was suppose to be. But, I have been having some thoughts that God has brought to my mind through various means, and I just haven't been sure this is where I'm suppose to end up. Through all the thoughts, clutter, experiences, etc....I decided to do yet another internet search for churches. I just think I need to be somewhere that is more diverse in it's congregation. Diverse in many ways, but mostly, culturally. And, I was kind of missing the whole idea of the baptist denomination. So, today I went to Crossroads Community Baptist in Ann Arbor. I really liked it! I even liked the contemporary service and usually, that is not my thing. I had the biggest smile on my face watching the little boy next to me, singing his heart out while dancing and clapping his hands. If only we could keep that innocence and unashamed love for Christ into our adulthood.

The best part was that the congregation was old, young, single, married, white, black, Asian and Mexican. Yippee!!!!! So, I think next week, I will check out the traditional service and see what the difference is. I can't wait.

Thank you God for continuing to move me where it is You want me to be. This may not be the final destination but I am searching to find where I belong so I can serve You!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

God is So Good

Well, I haven't been able to get here recently and I am going to try and do better about that.

Right now, I have so much to be thankful for. My mom's surgery found NO CANCER!!!! Praise God. My annual squish is today so we'll see what's what. I have been clean since my needle biopsy but I know I have a-typical cells like my mom. She will be going to a genetic counselor to find out other things to do in her lifestyle to prevent cancer. I can't wait to see what they say that I might be able to adopt as well.

On another note, my niece was baptized on Sunday. She's 11 and she has the faith and passion of David, I swear. She is such an inspiration. On top of that, my oldest niece went to Acquire the Fire and re-dedicated her life to Jesus. How amazing is that???? Actually, the biggest surprise is my brother. He's one of those guys who thinks he learned it all as a kid and doesn't have to go to church anymore. He still believes but would rather sleep in on Sunday morning. So, the kids go to church with my dad. Well, apparently there were still tickets for Saturday's Acquire the Fire and Cayleigh (the 11 year old) wanted to go. So, Craig took her. When I asked her how it was she said this...."Great. It was really cool. I saw things I never thought I'd see." I asked like what? Her response? "My dad was singing along with his hands in the air". WOW!!!!! Now, I've been to Acquire the Fire and it is fantastic and truly an emotional experience. When the girls and I went to buy Cayleigh her new Bible, they told me Craig particularly liked Jeremy Camp. So, we bought him a new JC cd. My brother loves music but wouldn't know the first thing about Christian artists. Hopefully, this will get him started. He was really touched. And, when Breanna had to stand in front of the church Sunday night to talk about her experience, she said her dad was crying and she couldn't believe it. I can. Jesus is in his heart and I just hope he's becoming a little more active in his walk. My sister in law was baptized after they were married but none of us are sure she really gets it. I know that can be hard in a marriage as well. She likes going to church and singing and all the social things. I'm just not sure how deep that goes.

Anyway, that's the update from this end. More to come, I'm sure.
Praise God for my two beautiful neices, Breanna and Cayleigh, who are now permanent members of the family of God!!! He is so good!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Mom's surgery

So today is mom's surgery. I'm not really nervous about it, probably because she isn't either. We're confident it's nothing. And, if we're wrong and it is something, we'll face it head on. If there's one thing my mom is it's a fighter.

Dear God, I pray that you would be with my mom and the doctor today. Please let the surgery go well and let there be nothing wrong with her. And, please help her come out of the anasthesia. You know how she is with that. Amen.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Sabotage

So, why is it that we, ok I, sabotage myself when it comes to my weight loss? I joined a gym about 2 weeks ago and have been attending some wonderful classes and have been motivated to do it. I've even been eating healthier. Well, somewhat. Today I had a pretty bad lunch. I took my Nutri System soup to work to find it was out of date. Permission for the vending machine! Yahoo. One PB&J uncrustable would have probably been fine, but not me, nope it's always 2 for me. And then there's the Potato Skins and 3 Musketeers to go with it. Ok, ok, ok so I'll have Nutri System for dinner, be done eating by 5:00 and we'll be great. I can do it!!! So, Nutri system dinner and pickles. Doing great. Even had a Weight Watchers ice cream because I was craving sweet. Done eating by 5:15 and it's a great night. Oh wait, I have to get gas. Of course I need a bottled water for rehearsal so that means paying inside. They must have moon pies, right? Well, they didn't. I scoured the aisles, not even hungry, nothing looking really good and I still bought a bag of Burger King Ketchup & Fries potato chips. What am I thinking? Ok, I can save them, right? Wrong!!! Ate the whole bag on the way to band. I felt so horrible I almost wanted to make myself puke. Lucky for me, I'll never be bulemic because I hate puking too much. It did cross my mind though.

So, I'm home from band, I haven't eaten in over 3 hours and I can live with it. Tomorrow is a new day and a day I can make it to the gym. So I will pack my bag tonight before going to bed and will make a night of it at Zumba. I'm so glad it's Tuesday and Zumba night! Don't get me started (at least not yet) at my frustration of my schedule this week. I will only be able to go to one class which means treadmill and weights one other night and that's it. Why does it have to happen when I'm so motivated to go????

FOCUS......>>>>>>I will be on the beach in 8 weeks and I WILL be thinner!!!!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Well, see if it works

So, I have just checked out two of my friend's blogs and I think it's great. Of course, my first reaction is, I'm not a mom so why would I want to do this? More importantly, who would read it? But, I've had this desire to blog since last summer posting on myspace about my "god" dog, Toby, and the day we had to put him down. It does seem very easy to sit down and journal on the computer.

And, here we are. I guess it will just be a journey to see where we go. I figure there will be stuff about my struggle with my weight and trying to become more bold in my faith, my ever obvious being single and probably a good dose of family drama now and then.

Thanks to Michelle and Julie for the inspiration to finally do something about it. We'll see how long it lasts.