So, last night, as I lay in bed, overanalyzing the weekend some more, I really tried to pray. I kept singing Peder's song over and over and over...out loud even, as I lay in bed trying to sleep. Look at these words. They're so powerful for me right now.....
Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still and know.
Be still.
Be.
There's a hook that's perfect too but this was what I felt God was saying last night. "Just give it to me". I also heard the word "restoration". Could it be? Could it be that with all my past and all my junk that God could maybe have someone like Dave be my future and through that restore me? I know that God doesn't just repair, but restore, us. I've never quite comprehended that. As I lay in bed telling God how ironic our two pasts are, His answer was "restoration". For now, I'll give it to God, and just BE!
Tigers game July 2010
Monday, July 13, 2009
One more thing
One more thing that Heather pointed out last night. Although she doesn't experience it, she said she knows people who are single sometimes start to miss their alone time. Huh? Do I do that? Ummmm, yea! Last summer in Saugatuck and Oscoda with my girlfriends, I was really, really wanting to come home. There were lots of other reasons involved but most of it was I wanted some down time. Time by myself. Who woulda thunk? I use to hate to be by myself. So, subconsciously, maybe there was some of those feelings this weekend too. It's been a long time since I've been in a "relationship" and maybe that's some of the uncomfort as well. I remember last summer thinking maybe I just didn't like people anymore and I was becoming a hermit. Definitely don't think that's true. But, maybe I'm finally comfortable enough in my own skin, and my own house, that I wanted a little break. Maybe....
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Home from Oshkosh and overanalyzing
So, I am now home safe and sound from meeting Dave for the weekend. It was great fun. I got there a lot later than we thought, Chicago and construction being the culprit. But, 9 hours later, I was there. We had chili that he had made for dinner and it was delicious. He gave me the grand tour of the house, really nicely decorated for being a bachelor pad and then we watched "Hero! The Musical". Loved it. But, I was soooo tired. So, Saturday morning, we took our time and got ready and had breakfast at I-Hop. Yum! Haven't been there since I was a kid. His treat. And, we're off. Lifest is super cool and really amazing. We walked thru all the carnival food, luckily full from breakfast and went to the Marketplace to shop. We took in some of the talent show and then took our purchases to the car. We went to hear Peder that afternoon and unfortunately, didn't get to talk to him. He was in a rush so I got a quick hug and that was it. Bummer. But, as always, Peder did a wonderful praise and worship, larengitis and all. We met Mary Ann and chatted for a little bit and then we headed to the car to get our chairs for Third Day. We also saw Mark Schultz, Tim Hawkins, Hawk Nelson and Stellar Kart. Lakita Garth was the keynote speaker and she was really cool and amazing. Then, it was Third Day. LOVED IT!!!! I finally got to hear "Thief" live. Last time I saw them, they didn't do it.
Anyway, weekend wrapped up with church this morning, a drive through town and then me hitting the road home. And, instantaly regretting it. Why didn't I stay? What am I feeling? What am I afraid of? Hmmmm, let's see....totally comfortable with this man. Always talking and laughing. He even played the guitar and sang one of his songs for me. So, why am I home tonight? CHICKEN! I didn't have a reason why and I kept thinking about it. But, I'm analyzing now. Here's why. (Thank you, heather) I am afraid of getting too close, too fast. Emotionally. This is unlike ANY of my past relationships, making it uncharted territory. And, uncomfortable. So, throw in a little sabotage, and you have the makings of a poor decision. Coming home.
As my dad says....let it ride. So, that's what I'm doing. Praying, continuing to talk to Dave and having him come here in August. Which, I can't wait for. Just gonna see what happens and let it be.
Did I mention that Dave wrote a poem for me after I left today? No, I didn't. But, he did. It was exceptionally sweet and I love it. Reminds me of Mary and Scott and the song Scott wrote for Mary. Maybe this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Wait, not maybe...it is. Just what kind of relationship develops is in God's hands. For now, I'm letting it ride....
Anyway, weekend wrapped up with church this morning, a drive through town and then me hitting the road home. And, instantaly regretting it. Why didn't I stay? What am I feeling? What am I afraid of? Hmmmm, let's see....totally comfortable with this man. Always talking and laughing. He even played the guitar and sang one of his songs for me. So, why am I home tonight? CHICKEN! I didn't have a reason why and I kept thinking about it. But, I'm analyzing now. Here's why. (Thank you, heather) I am afraid of getting too close, too fast. Emotionally. This is unlike ANY of my past relationships, making it uncharted territory. And, uncomfortable. So, throw in a little sabotage, and you have the makings of a poor decision. Coming home.
As my dad says....let it ride. So, that's what I'm doing. Praying, continuing to talk to Dave and having him come here in August. Which, I can't wait for. Just gonna see what happens and let it be.
Did I mention that Dave wrote a poem for me after I left today? No, I didn't. But, he did. It was exceptionally sweet and I love it. Reminds me of Mary and Scott and the song Scott wrote for Mary. Maybe this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Wait, not maybe...it is. Just what kind of relationship develops is in God's hands. For now, I'm letting it ride....
Some more GL hindsight
I really meant to write this the other night before I went to Oshkosh but never did it. Here are 2 more things that run through my head in hindsight about Dave and Green Lake.
1) At some point during praise and worship, I remember thinking to myself that the person behind me had a really nice voice. Maybe I should say something. I didn't. Who was it? Dave!
2) Peder did the usual, turn to the left and right and rub the shoulders of the person in front of you. In seconds, Brad turned to me and said "you're hired". I know, I know...I get that all the time. I'm really good at back rubs. Why didn't I stand between them so Dave would know that too?
1) At some point during praise and worship, I remember thinking to myself that the person behind me had a really nice voice. Maybe I should say something. I didn't. Who was it? Dave!
2) Peder did the usual, turn to the left and right and rub the shoulders of the person in front of you. In seconds, Brad turned to me and said "you're hired". I know, I know...I get that all the time. I'm really good at back rubs. Why didn't I stand between them so Dave would know that too?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Gym rat
Who knew it was possible?
I have pretty much given up on the weight watchers thing and I joined a weight loss challenge in May sometime. I have been doing fairly well and I really like the ladies, my coach and the premise. In fact, we're done on the 21st but I am going to join the next session which starts on the 28. I was going to head back to WW but this is cheaper and for now, it's working. Ultimately, I will go back to WW.
The big news is I am really loving being at the gym. The funny thing is I'm not doing FitBall or Zumba anymore. I am doing a Medicine Ball class and the trainer is kicking my booty!!! But, I love it. I wish it was more often. He really pushes me. And, I'm having a desire to run some when I am walking. Who knew that was even possible? I have lost 4 inches off my hips of which I am most proud. There are lots of inches other places but that is the one I notice the most. I can't wait to see where I'm at on the 21st. Yea, baby, I'm finally doing it and I'm loving the gym. Who knew!!!!
I have pretty much given up on the weight watchers thing and I joined a weight loss challenge in May sometime. I have been doing fairly well and I really like the ladies, my coach and the premise. In fact, we're done on the 21st but I am going to join the next session which starts on the 28. I was going to head back to WW but this is cheaper and for now, it's working. Ultimately, I will go back to WW.
The big news is I am really loving being at the gym. The funny thing is I'm not doing FitBall or Zumba anymore. I am doing a Medicine Ball class and the trainer is kicking my booty!!! But, I love it. I wish it was more often. He really pushes me. And, I'm having a desire to run some when I am walking. Who knew that was even possible? I have lost 4 inches off my hips of which I am most proud. There are lots of inches other places but that is the one I notice the most. I can't wait to see where I'm at on the 21st. Yea, baby, I'm finally doing it and I'm loving the gym. Who knew!!!!
I can't wait/I'm so nervous
Well, I was a little surprised that I had actually written about Green Lake already. That's good. It was actually nice to read it and remind myself of some of that feeling. Where does that go when we come back to the real world?
Ok, so some of you already know this because I asked you to pray about it. But, here we go. At Green Lake, the first day, I noticed and introduced myself to a guy named Brad. We hit it off immediately and I really enjoyed hanging around and flirting with him. Somewhere along the line, very quickly I think, another guy, Dave, was hanging with us and I was having the time of my life. Dave is kind of a quiet guy and I remember at one meal telling him that he looked just like Dorothy's husband. I laughed when he took his glasses off and said "here, does this help?". It didn't. He really reminds me of Dort's hubby Brad. Anyway, I kept paying attention to Brad and always wondering where he was. Saturday night was especially moving in Peder's session and I wasn't really feeling like going to the Bunco party but I didn't know what else we might do. Brad or Dave said they were going for a walk and asked me if I wanted to go to. So, about 7 or 8 of us went down to the Point, my favorite place. When we got out there, there were 2 ducks and we scared them away. I was enjoying just looking out at the lake and the cross on the tower, lit up in the dark. The ducks had wandered around to the other side of the point and I went over to find them. Dave followed me. We ended up talking a lot and he said he played guitar and sang and use to be in a rock band. Wow, that's kinda cool. Did I tell you at some point, I climbed the tree? The tree that hangs out over the water, in the very dark night!!!??? Anyway, getting out on the tree was easy. Then I realized I wasn't sure how I was going to get back out of the tree. I can admit, in hindsight, I was doing it for attention. I was trying to get Brad's attention but he was talking to someone else. Who offered me their hand to help me out of the tree? Dave. How sweet. Anyway, we continued to talk and hang out and then we went and raided the snacks from the Bunco party. Fun.
Sunday morning, there were 3 older ladies I had hung out with and Mary came up to me with something urgent to share. The conversation went something like this. "We think you should like Dave". "Really? Brad's pretty cute." "Yea, Brad's 30." "He is? How old is Dave?" "36". "Hmmmm, really?" and off we went. I honestly don't remember any conversation after that. What I do remember is that Brad and I were suppose to ride bikes and it didn't work out, which led me and Brad AND Dave (and Russ) to drive to the country store and that was a blast. On the boat ride, which by the way, I tried but couldn't convince Dave to join us on, I sat with some of the ladies and had a blast. Didn't really talk to Brad on the boat. When we went to the bonfire, I sat next to Dave. In fact, I think I walked out there with Dave and Brad. Anyway, the bonfire started out in a very disappointing way and eventually, Dave left. Sweet thing? He apologized to me for leaving. So, now it's Monday morning and it's time to leave. I didn't want to attend the last session but it ended up being unavoidable (over breakfast) and afterward, we all started to say good bye. I had someone take a picture of Brad and Dave and I before we took off.
Fast forward through the rest....get home and Dave emailed me on Tuesday to make sure I had been safe on the drive home and to tell me how it was nice to meet me. I emailed him back and since then, we've emailed everyday, usually several times a day. Brad? Yea, fell of the face of the earth for awhile. Eventually Dave and I started talking on the phone. For HOURS at a time. Love it. Best part? He makes me laugh. Most of you know how important that is to me and why. So, somewhere along the line, we started talking about meeting in Chicago. Not really specifically and then all of a sudden, he asked me when I was thinking about. Huh, hadn't really thought about that. So, then he invited me to Life Fest, a huge Christian event in Oshkosh, WI where he lives. Told him I couldn't go. Bummer. Then, I really started regretting saying no. So, I did some more figuring (days off, money, what not) and realized I could go. So, I said yes. And, I'm driving to Wisconsin on Friday to see Dave and go to Life Fest. We're gonna see Peder again which I can't wait for and Third Day. Yay! But, what does all of this mean? Are we just really good friends? Does he like me? Do I like him? Where is this headed? I don't know any of those answers yet. Part of the reason this weekend is so important. And, if I'm truly honest, I do think I know some of those answers. But, I'm leaving it up to God. Where else should it be, right? So, if you're a praying person, please lift it up this weekend. I know we are going to have a ball but I'm so excited and now I'm starting to get a little nervous. I really enjoy the conversation of this man and I can't wait to spend some time with him.
It has been very interesting to look back at Green Lake and see things from the perspective of Dave being there all along. I was just not looking in the right place. At least, in the beginning. Now I think I am.
Ok, so some of you already know this because I asked you to pray about it. But, here we go. At Green Lake, the first day, I noticed and introduced myself to a guy named Brad. We hit it off immediately and I really enjoyed hanging around and flirting with him. Somewhere along the line, very quickly I think, another guy, Dave, was hanging with us and I was having the time of my life. Dave is kind of a quiet guy and I remember at one meal telling him that he looked just like Dorothy's husband. I laughed when he took his glasses off and said "here, does this help?". It didn't. He really reminds me of Dort's hubby Brad. Anyway, I kept paying attention to Brad and always wondering where he was. Saturday night was especially moving in Peder's session and I wasn't really feeling like going to the Bunco party but I didn't know what else we might do. Brad or Dave said they were going for a walk and asked me if I wanted to go to. So, about 7 or 8 of us went down to the Point, my favorite place. When we got out there, there were 2 ducks and we scared them away. I was enjoying just looking out at the lake and the cross on the tower, lit up in the dark. The ducks had wandered around to the other side of the point and I went over to find them. Dave followed me. We ended up talking a lot and he said he played guitar and sang and use to be in a rock band. Wow, that's kinda cool. Did I tell you at some point, I climbed the tree? The tree that hangs out over the water, in the very dark night!!!??? Anyway, getting out on the tree was easy. Then I realized I wasn't sure how I was going to get back out of the tree. I can admit, in hindsight, I was doing it for attention. I was trying to get Brad's attention but he was talking to someone else. Who offered me their hand to help me out of the tree? Dave. How sweet. Anyway, we continued to talk and hang out and then we went and raided the snacks from the Bunco party. Fun.
Sunday morning, there were 3 older ladies I had hung out with and Mary came up to me with something urgent to share. The conversation went something like this. "We think you should like Dave". "Really? Brad's pretty cute." "Yea, Brad's 30." "He is? How old is Dave?" "36". "Hmmmm, really?" and off we went. I honestly don't remember any conversation after that. What I do remember is that Brad and I were suppose to ride bikes and it didn't work out, which led me and Brad AND Dave (and Russ) to drive to the country store and that was a blast. On the boat ride, which by the way, I tried but couldn't convince Dave to join us on, I sat with some of the ladies and had a blast. Didn't really talk to Brad on the boat. When we went to the bonfire, I sat next to Dave. In fact, I think I walked out there with Dave and Brad. Anyway, the bonfire started out in a very disappointing way and eventually, Dave left. Sweet thing? He apologized to me for leaving. So, now it's Monday morning and it's time to leave. I didn't want to attend the last session but it ended up being unavoidable (over breakfast) and afterward, we all started to say good bye. I had someone take a picture of Brad and Dave and I before we took off.
Fast forward through the rest....get home and Dave emailed me on Tuesday to make sure I had been safe on the drive home and to tell me how it was nice to meet me. I emailed him back and since then, we've emailed everyday, usually several times a day. Brad? Yea, fell of the face of the earth for awhile. Eventually Dave and I started talking on the phone. For HOURS at a time. Love it. Best part? He makes me laugh. Most of you know how important that is to me and why. So, somewhere along the line, we started talking about meeting in Chicago. Not really specifically and then all of a sudden, he asked me when I was thinking about. Huh, hadn't really thought about that. So, then he invited me to Life Fest, a huge Christian event in Oshkosh, WI where he lives. Told him I couldn't go. Bummer. Then, I really started regretting saying no. So, I did some more figuring (days off, money, what not) and realized I could go. So, I said yes. And, I'm driving to Wisconsin on Friday to see Dave and go to Life Fest. We're gonna see Peder again which I can't wait for and Third Day. Yay! But, what does all of this mean? Are we just really good friends? Does he like me? Do I like him? Where is this headed? I don't know any of those answers yet. Part of the reason this weekend is so important. And, if I'm truly honest, I do think I know some of those answers. But, I'm leaving it up to God. Where else should it be, right? So, if you're a praying person, please lift it up this weekend. I know we are going to have a ball but I'm so excited and now I'm starting to get a little nervous. I really enjoy the conversation of this man and I can't wait to spend some time with him.
It has been very interesting to look back at Green Lake and see things from the perspective of Dave being there all along. I was just not looking in the right place. At least, in the beginning. Now I think I am.
Wonders never cease
So, my BFF was telling me tonight that it's been way too long since I've posted and would I blog already!!!???? I was shocked that it's only been a little over a month. Who knew? Anyway, a lot has happened and I will attempt to do it in different posts by subject.
Tonights subject would be my family. Or specifically, my parents. Before I say anything, I must say that my family is almost perfect and I love them with all my heart. I do know that it's practically eutopia and when I get to venting to some of my friends, I do realize that it's ridiculous. But, it's my feelings and they are real. So, short story, since at the moment, I'm in a good mood and not currently raving at them....
Father's Day: Many plan changes, I made it to parents house at the time I was told only to have them all show up an hour and half later. With my the mother of my sister in law. She is not the easiest person to be around and she definitely puts a damper on things. Suffice to say, after 50 minutes of barely seeing my dad, I was on my way home. Prayed and prayed for God to take away the hurt and anger but I was fuming. Talked to mom later that night and after a very gut wrenching conversation, hung up the phone and BAWLED for 20 minutes. Have not cried that long in I can't remember how long. Ultimately it felt good but it sucked. Bottom line, I don't have kids, my brother does, my parents are FANTASTIC grandparents and I feel like I get shafted.
Tonight, I tried to make plans with my mom. I feel like I see my dad sometimes and I was missing my mom, she's going to Atlanta tomorrow, I'm going to Wisconsin on Friday and I thought it would be fun to have dinner. I had to head that way to get my eyebrows done anyway. Call to find out plan...yea, she's going to pick up my niece and we'll meet at the mall in Westland! What???!!!! I can't make it by then. How did we get to this plan???? Called her when I was done, met them (niece, brother and mom) at Olga's and had dinner. Craig and Breanna took off and my mom and I talked outside. She asked me if I was just "that mad" that she changed the plan or whatever. Well yea! I told her that I thought this was just us. That I had actually made an effort since I never see her anymore....she's leaving, I'm leaving, blah, blah, blah....She actually said Sorry! And, she had tears in her eyes. I think tonight, for the first time, she might actually see how much I miss having time with her and my dad, just US!!! Not the grandkids, not my brother, just US!!! So, there you have it. Circle the day. My mom apologized to me. And bigger yet, I think she may have heard me. Will things change? Probably not. Or maybe for awhile. But, I'll take the apology and I told her how much I appreciate it. I really do love my mom. She just irritates the poop out of me sometimes.
Tonights subject would be my family. Or specifically, my parents. Before I say anything, I must say that my family is almost perfect and I love them with all my heart. I do know that it's practically eutopia and when I get to venting to some of my friends, I do realize that it's ridiculous. But, it's my feelings and they are real. So, short story, since at the moment, I'm in a good mood and not currently raving at them....
Father's Day: Many plan changes, I made it to parents house at the time I was told only to have them all show up an hour and half later. With my the mother of my sister in law. She is not the easiest person to be around and she definitely puts a damper on things. Suffice to say, after 50 minutes of barely seeing my dad, I was on my way home. Prayed and prayed for God to take away the hurt and anger but I was fuming. Talked to mom later that night and after a very gut wrenching conversation, hung up the phone and BAWLED for 20 minutes. Have not cried that long in I can't remember how long. Ultimately it felt good but it sucked. Bottom line, I don't have kids, my brother does, my parents are FANTASTIC grandparents and I feel like I get shafted.
Tonight, I tried to make plans with my mom. I feel like I see my dad sometimes and I was missing my mom, she's going to Atlanta tomorrow, I'm going to Wisconsin on Friday and I thought it would be fun to have dinner. I had to head that way to get my eyebrows done anyway. Call to find out plan...yea, she's going to pick up my niece and we'll meet at the mall in Westland! What???!!!! I can't make it by then. How did we get to this plan???? Called her when I was done, met them (niece, brother and mom) at Olga's and had dinner. Craig and Breanna took off and my mom and I talked outside. She asked me if I was just "that mad" that she changed the plan or whatever. Well yea! I told her that I thought this was just us. That I had actually made an effort since I never see her anymore....she's leaving, I'm leaving, blah, blah, blah....She actually said Sorry! And, she had tears in her eyes. I think tonight, for the first time, she might actually see how much I miss having time with her and my dad, just US!!! Not the grandkids, not my brother, just US!!! So, there you have it. Circle the day. My mom apologized to me. And bigger yet, I think she may have heard me. Will things change? Probably not. Or maybe for awhile. But, I'll take the apology and I told her how much I appreciate it. I really do love my mom. She just irritates the poop out of me sometimes.
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