From the mouths of prisoners...

So, one of the groups I run at work is Lyric Discussion. Quite honestly, it's my most favorite group. When they talk, of course. So, I guess sometimes it depends on the make up of the crew. But, I love listening to their points of view and justification and experiences and just whatever comes out of their mouths.

Yesterday was a stellar day. I had 2 fabulous groups of lyrics and I was really excited about it. Just wanted to express 2 of the things that got me thinking. Well really, only one got me thinking, the other one got me laughing.

When I was at Maxey doing a lyric group, we got on the topic of drug dealing. I will never forget the day that dear, precious DeAndre said "Ms. Scott, I'm a drug dealer with morals. I would never sell to kids under the age of 16." I about fell off my chair. A drug dealer with morals? Really. Well, today, I heard it again. Two of the fellas were giving me their definitions for drug dealing being "work" or a job. I conceded to it being work but had to argue on the job front. And, the younger of the two said "I don't sell to anyone under 16. You have to have a line somewhere." I couldn't believe it. Twice in my career have I heard this. When the elder statesmen of the group asked him if asked to see their ID, I had to laugh out loud. Of course, this same young guy is the one who says that his kids need a role model, like Ice-T and later on says that you have to pray with your kids and give them some stability and foundation. Wow. Sometimes it's hard for me to wrap my head around the opinions and ideas that they have floating around in theirs. Which, leads me to my next story. The poignant one for the day, the one that really got me thinking.

Same group, different guys, different lyrics. We got on the topic of homelessness. Of course, some of them have been homeless and lived on the streets. This young kid says that he was "chasing that dope" and all he wanted was $20 to stay high. Said it was so bad he was using water from a mud puddle to put in his needle. Wow. But, we were sharing how homeless, or panhandlers get treated. He shared some of the things he saw and did when begging for money and then he asked if he could ask me how I reacted to people who beg. I told him that I've done several things, including giving someone $20 but mostly, I ignore them. He looked at me, can't think of a word to describe his face (maybe hurt) and he said, "I'd rather have someone tell me no than ignore me." Stopped me in my tracks. Of course, I knew immediately what he meant but I wanted him to share it with the group so I asked. His answer? "If you ignore me, it's like I don't exist. I'm nothing. If you tell me no, or sorry, at least you've acknowledged that you hear me and I'm a person."

I thanked this young man for sharing that and I told him that I was going to consider his words from here on out. Even if it's just how I handle the young kid at Meijer selling candy bars and I wonder to myself, "really, a school trip, how do I know you're not conning me?" I think now, I will take a minute to smile at them and acknoledge them, regardless of what I give or don't give.

Just for those of you who may wonder...lyrics used today were "Dear Mama" by Tupac and "What It's Like" by Everlast.

Treadmill vs. Trail

So, tonight I had made up my mind to take a walk on the trail across the street from my house. Here's a few of the thoughts I had while on that walk....

Treadmill: Air conditioning and a tv in front of me (Cash Cab being my favorite thing to watch) Pretty much staying at the same speed (not too fast I might add) and a 0 incline. (Probably could do more but hey, who's checking?)I also get really bored, despite the tv, while walking on the treadmill and it's very hard for me to stay on after I've done "my mile". Wow, this seems like it's so much harder on my feet and legs after walking on the beach for a week. Never really noticed that before.

Trail: Muggy and buggy. Hmmm, not sure I'm liking this. In an effort to "unplug" and spend more time with God, I didn't even bring my i-pod. What's that? Hmmm, not sure I ever heard that bird before. Oh wait, there's crickets. Fish jumping too. I'm so sweaty, is this really better than the treadmill? Huh, speed and incline vary on their own just by going up and down hills. This is so much easier on my feet and legs. I love this trail. I am loving the sounds. Funny how I miss that with headphones in my ears. So, I'm trying to listen and talk to God. Well, I don't have a problem with the talking it's the listening. At one point, I think I even said "You know God, I will really think everything is great and will be reminded of your greatness if I could see some deer." Then I changed to "wouldn't it be cool to see some deer?" As I was walking along, another person walked from the other direction and he scared a deer and I saw the white tail as he ran away. Ok, cool. So I continued on, taking some pictures of the trees and the river. Then I finally saw them. There were 2 deer hanging out in the woods eating. They even let me get about 25-30 yards from them and I could see them chewing and even saw a tongue. I stood there and just watched them for about 10 minutes. I didn't even mind the buzzing mosquito in my ear at this point. Thank you, God. I think that deer are the most beautiful creatures with the absolute sweetest faces. I got to see them up close tonight. I love that.
Look at that, I've been walking for an hour tonight! Why does that seem like nothing out here and yet in the gym, it's torture??!!!

So, I guess it's plain to see that despite the bugs in my nose and mouth and the muggy sweat dripping down the back of my neck, the treadmill could never beat the beautiful experience of walking on a trail amongst God's amazing creation.

Passing the nice, handsome man running the trail in the opposite direction three times? Just an added bonus!

The power of the ocean

There is something so powerful and yet so soothing about the sound of the ocean waves. As I sit on my parent's condo balcony in Hilton Head, I can see and hear the ocean. It makes me feel so utterly small and insignificant. Like the fact that no matter what is happening in my life, in the world, the ocean tides are constant. God is constant and in control. Life goes on and the earth continues to spin. With my help or without it, with my participation or without it, God's plan will will be done. As Mordecai said to Esther, "God will save His people and accomplish His purposes with or without you. You may have been brought to this place for such a time as this!"

So, I will do some contemplating and reflecting this week, or at least try. I will also spend some time with my friends enjoying the company and the atmosphere. And, of course, loving the sunshine!

One last why

As I read through some of my previous blog entries, I see that I never really ended or updated the Dave story. It starts with yet another why. Why can't I have feelings for such a wonderful guy? Why is there no spark? I mean, seriously, he's extremely thoughtful and observant and kind. Who wouldn't want that kind of man in their life? I guess the answer to the why is that God is in control. He has a plan and for right now, for whatever reason, Dave is not the guy for me. I really wanted him to be. So, I will continue to trust and pray and seek God's face and His plan, not mine. Oh yea, and I should probably spend some quiet time with him but we all know how good I am at that one! Now is as good a time as any to focus on that. What better place than the beach?

WHY'S

So, what about this word question why...There are so many why's in our lives and I feel like this week, I have far too many to try to answer.

1) WHY am I trying to lose weight? I had a great time in Chicago and I think I really actually lost weight while I was there. But, what do I do? Sabotage on the train ride home and eat entire bags of snacks I took with me. So, result? Up on the scale last night when I really think I should have been down. WHY do I sabotage myself? Our coaches last night told us that we should re-visit our "Why am I here?" assignment. What brought us to Weight Loss Challenge. I didn't give it a lot of thought this time around, thinking I had things under control and things to look forward to. But now that's all changed. I am back to sabotaging and I'm not sure why I want to lose weight. Sure, I want to be healthy, walk up a flight of stairs and not be out of breath and buy all new clothes. But, what is at my core being for my wanting to lose weight? That I will have to think about and ponder. WHY?

2) WHY did Sandra have to lose her life in such a tragic way? Not only tragic but completely unnecessary. I keep telling myself that this is all part of God's plan. In fact, I was thinking last night that since the second Sandra was born, God knew this would be her time and way of death. There was some comfort in that on some deep, kind of odd level. But you know what? It doesn't help ease the pain of losing my friend. And it doesn't make me hate the man who did this to her any less. How will her daughter get through this? Sandra has dedicated her life to her girl and I can't imagine the pain she must be feeling. All I can do is pray for her. For all of us who will feel this loss. I will end my thoughts on Sandra with my favorite quote of hers...."If you feel froggy, leap!" Just love that one.

3) WHY do I have such intense feelings for a man who doesn't feel the same way? Why can't this relationship be something more? Wait, I don't want that one answered because I know this guy is not my Mr. Right. He is not the one for me. But, I have never felt such intense feelings for someone and I have never had someone make me feel the way he does. I miss him so much. I miss his friendship, our talks and of course, our hugs. This man is a beautiful person and I could never put into words the feelings I have for him. Right now, I am going to just pray for his family and his drama and that someday, he'll be able to enjoy life without all the extra crap that goes with it.

Clarification

See, the thing about Maxey is that we were together for 14 years. We saw some crazy stuff and we went through A LOT OF STUFF together over those years. We may not have always agreed with each other, we may not have always even liked each other, but we always watched out for each other. We were quite a diverse group of people and there were a lot of Christians. That makes any environment easier to handle. Especially one like Maxey. I still remember when I was struggling with something (can't remember what) and good old Ms. Tutt pulled my butt in the bathroom with Ms. Perryman and we prayed right then and there. Now that is something that would never happen in the prison. Not only because it can't but because there aren't a lot of those kind of people.

I talked to Rose this morning and I said "you have no idea what I would do for a Tommie Chaney hug right now". And as I said that to Dorothy today, I realized that's what it comes down to, doesn't it? That's what I miss. The people that love me for me and who aren't afraid to show it. People who love the Lord and other people and who are trying to make a difference.

So, I will sit here and remember my friends with a giant smile on my face. Yesterday my cheeks hurt from all the laughing we did. That is what I will remember and cherish and carry with me. At least until the picnic in 2 weeks when I will add more memories and laughs. Duane would have wanted it that way!

Funeral thoughts

So, today was a funeral for a good buddy of mine from Maxey. Duane was one of those guys who never met a stranger and was always doing for others. His passion was cooking. Or grilling to be exact. Great guy. I have a fabulous picture of him behind the grill of chicken and corn at one of our field days. Priceless.

My wonderings are of funerals for people who are not believers, or who I don't know if they are or aren't. I have no idea what Duane's faith consisted of, if anything. I do think that his sister was a Christian based on some of the things she posted on his hospital webpage. And, I would never assume to know anyone's heart. That is all up to God. In fact, I've met quite a few fellow believers who I would never have guessed had an ounce of faith based on things I see them say and do. But, I have only been to one funeral in my life for someone who had no faith. It was a long time ago and I don't remember much. What I do remember is the hopelessness. His adult daughters and wife were throwing themselves on the casket just wailing and sobbing. Horrible. I wonder what it's like to feel that. The flipside to that is that I'm glad I don't know what that's like. But, what about all the things people say to get through? "He's in a better place. He's not in pain anymore. He's with God now. We'll see him again someday." What if the deceased don't believe? Then none of that is true. Is it fair to say those things just to make people feel better? Oh, my head just aches trying to wrap my head around it. I can remember Pastor Alberta's sermon at Dwain Park's funeral. WOW! What guts. He was all about making people understand. I guess he use to say that he felt like it was a captive audience and for some, the only time they would ever set foot in church. Probably accurate.

So, tonight I will continue to pray for Duane's family. For comfort and maybe even coming to know Christ if they don't already. And, maybe (selfishly) most importantly, I wil praise God that I don't have those questions for myself or my family.